I hate first loves. I found my first love when I was in sixth grade, he was in my class at hebrew school and my best guy friend. We had been best friends from sixth to twelth grade and to say that I don’t love him now would be lying. Senior year of highschool we kept getting into fights and stuff so we kind of distanced ourselves. Then he went off to college and totally forgot about me. Yea it hurts since he was my first love, but I don’t think that he knows that he was my first love. But if you truly love someone then you havee to let them go and do their own thing. If they come back to you at somepoint then you know that it was truly meant to be. But that doesn’t mean that you should wait forever for them. You have to go own with your own life without them no matter how painful it may be. Trust me I know this because it is what I am doing right now. Life isn’t fair, but no one said it would be. If I had to do it all over again I think I would let him know just how important he was to me. I love him and always will!
Archive for July, 2011
I hate always being that girl who no one really notices or remembers. I bet that if I don’t work at camp next year, no one who comes back will remember my name. No one even reads this stupid blog anyways! This blog though is not really about being read, it’s more about being written and for me to be honest somewhere. I just hate guys not noticing me because I am too shy to talk to them. Like I’m completely fine with writting messages on facebook and then talking about it after with him. Like I said talking is not my strong point, I always get all nervous and tongue tied and there were a few times I’ve stuttered. I look like a lame dork and it makes me feel younger than I am. I feel like guys my age are out of my league like they could have anyone they want so why choose me? I know writting this is so not good for my self esteem, but honestly I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of watching people my age get everything they ever wanted like fit bodies, apartments, college diplomas, a good job, and lastly someone who is like their boyfriend/girlfriend. All those things are not in the cards for me right now, which makes me sad. I don’t want to be the girl who vanishes because no one knows she exsists. At times there have been people who knew me, but then they went on to bigger and better things and I stayed here and became forgotten. It kinda makes me think about vampires since they never age and stay frozen like that forever. I don’t want to be frozen in my life, the thought of that seriously scares me. If I’m frozen like this until the day I die then I will only have my family at my funeral which is increadibly sad. I used to be the fun loving person who enjoyed life, until I just froze there and started watching my friends move all around me. That’s the only way I know how to describe it even though it sounds completely crazy. I know how to be visible, but now I have all this anciety about it which isn’t cool nor necessary. Whatever this is pretty much all I have to say on this subject.
Hey Bloggers! I thought I would talk about the vicious circle of life today, since it sucks more than I thought it would. I mean I work at a day camp and I am one of the oldest counselors there, so why do I always give in to the petty girl drama?! I don’t know, it really just doesn’t make any sense. And there is a guy I like there and he’s a year younger than me and I still really haven’t talked to him. I mean if you count saying hello as a conversation….. He’s one of the sports guys, but talking isn’t really my strong point. As you can tell I am more of a writer than a talker. Also I want a real romance. Not just a summer fling or one night stand. I think as corny as it sounds that I want to be wooed. And trust me I am fully aware that guys these days don’t really woo women anymore. I blame it on the media and rap songs about objectifying women. A lot of young girls are also too accepting of friends with benefits which like I said before doesn’t work. Like I would write this guy a love letter, but I feel like young middle school girls do that and would feel totally lame. Ugh maybe this whole thing is one epic fail, I think god is trying to tell me that. For the record, Judy Blume is a great writer, but after I got out of middle school she really didn’t help me at all. All throughout middle school she did and her books were my bibles, but after life was pretty downhill. I guess I could blame all my shit on Judy Blume, it would definetely be more liberating since I am not blaming myself. Like I am so wrong to want to grow old with the man of my dreams and drink lemonade on our porch in florida, or california with all our grandchildren running around? I know it sounds like I have it all figured out because I do, the guy who’s going to be sitting next to me…now that’s the tricky part. I used to believe in fate, but I think I’m done with that. See, life is vicious and complicated and just plain horrible. I really should just become a nun.